Please Meet Me By The Talking Tree

Bored?

So here's something someone sent to me that, I found so incredibly absurd, that I just had to post it here. Apparently, it's a checklist originally put out by some church group somewhere (the same ones who want schools to only teach creationism and deny evolution), for parents to see if their child is a "goth" and is thereby in need of saving.
Apparently, almost everyone in the world is a goth.
Someone I was talking to pointed out that even the pope would have to check off some off theses things!

So heres' a laugh, see how many you apply to. If its at least five, well sorry you're doomed (but we'll all have a big fun party in hell with loud music, and laugh at all the goody two shoes angels). Or for a twist, you could turn it into a game, and take a drink for each answer that applies to you. You'll certainly be having more fun, by the time you're done!

*Just to clarify, I did not write this list and I do not agree with it. It is here soley for the purposes of mocking*

Here we go: The comments in Red are my commentary

"Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,darkness, and violence.
Please seek immediate attention through counseling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing. (like half of my school)
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. (see above comment)
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nail polish. (Most of the girls, and some emo guys)
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols (Oh, get a life!)
.-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos. (Doesn`t everyone.)
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.) (Not this again!)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. (you mean avoids boring stuff for interesting stuff)
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed. (this is why you should get the mental help, not for being a `Goth`)
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center (Ditto)
-Complains of boredom. (is human)
-Sleeps too excessively or too little. (is a teenager)
-Is excessively awake during the night. (teenager)
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil spirits through meditation.) (um....sure)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. (who hangs out with thier friends, chaparoned)
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this. (teenager)
-Misbehaves at school.(ditto)
-Misbehaves at home.(ditto)
-Eats excessively or too little. (ditto)
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this. (loves me some corrupting sugary breakfast cereal. Sends you straight to hell.)
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)(ok, this one is scary)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) (WTF!)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature. (Teenage boy)
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.(teenager)
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. (is human)
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. (is apparently attending a high school dance)
-Expresses an interest in sex.(is human)
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual. (there is nothing wrong with this, its just a different sexual orientation! Grow up!)
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. (I could picture some fanatical church group putting the rest of these on here, and scientology sounds pretty creepy, but philosophy! How is that a cult or a religion. I just finished a philosophy course in a catholic high school!)
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth". (sure. Cause real Goths have to wear buttons that proclaim them as such. soon it`ll be a giant scarlett G in the middle of their chests)
-Claims to be a goth. (duh...are you Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel)

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center

So..........
What'd you get?
You a Goth then?
I'd be pretty scared for you if this list said you weren't. Then I'd have to get you to a 'local mental health center'.
You've got to try to live! Oh, and go have some Count Chocula!


Frankly, I think whoever wrote the list originally, should get some mental help, themselves!

-Yours in Condemnation,

Cather

See you in hell! I'll bring the chips!