It's Love It's Not Santa Claus: My Doctrine

PLACEHOLDER FOR A MORE EXPANDED AND FLSHED OUT DESCRIPTION OF MYSELF THROUGH THE EFFECTS OF THOSE AROUND AND INFLUENCING ME AND MY LIFE

I am not original; I am a construct, and a direct descendant of every person or media I have been exposed to
- I feared Dracula, He was the first thing I was ever afraid of, that and fire. I slept with garlic cloves, crosses and closed
doors. Somehow I`m still that scared little girl, even though nothing scares me now but surprises , like toast popping up and people jumping out from behind bushes.
- I fear burning and hot showers from R.L. Stein cheerleaders
- I want a higher purpose/ quest from fantasy epics like Ella enchanted, the hobbit and last unicorn and woz
- I am drawn to grim and macabre from my love of fairy tales
- my parents drew me to higher lit and movies, etc. at my mother giving me permission, I read anything I liked. Their reading to me made it come alive.
- I was repressed in my youth both internally and by external sources: from my mother’s restrictions on TV and movies- Simpsons, and from my religious school
- I kind of agree with Stan’s philosophy in Stan knows best
- I have low self esteem- leading me to crave validation in being sexually objectified or seen as valuable or beautiful
- I want to be a romantic tragic manically quirky girl who losses her way- ala- Edie, holly, et al
- I am just the latest to come of age in a long line of beautiful women with blue or green eyes, good senses of humor, love of literature, weakness for marrying German guys, pale skin and predisposition to addictions. we have several cases of anorexia, binge eating disorder, alcoholism, depression, post partum depression, attraction to abusive men -also several divorces and a tendency to wildness in the teens/early twenties and thirties –such as hanging out at studio 54, etc. and discovering religion in middle age. But we are acknowledged as beautiful and creative and the descents of a woman killed as a witch in Europe.
- the philosophy of my bad habits can be stemmed back from a moment at a weekend guide camp, where after I threw a fit about it not being able to brush my teeth or something, and another girl said- one day won’t hurt, subconsciously it stuck
- I have no doubt my parents love me and not just as a daughter but as a person, but Emma I am not so sure. I am not even sure they love her as a person.
- I would rather believe in nothing than something that says to kill people for being who they are, classifies groups as of higher or lower status (in my mind the only superiority is in thinking things rather than accepting dogma), or only accepts one kind of love
- bluebird- all children are recycled personas, also I like to believe in reincarnation because it sounds like magic
- I hate when people take something fantasy and attempt to explain how the story is a delusion or a dream because it doesn’t happen in real life. to some extent it I can acknowledge it as thought or conspiracy theory or the actual purpose of a metaphor (although usually in an allegory the story can be appreciated on both levels rather than taking something like the crucible and only discussing communism), sometimes fantasy is just that, a break from reality, an excitement. like my mother always said, you must suspend your beliefs. In my view, that is why we make fiction, to inject magic into our lives
- I have a naturally high mindset- maybe from Alice?
- I love the idea of project mayhem. I spent so much of my time when bored, imagining that horrible thing like shootings, bombing, plagues or bloody revolutions would happen right in front of me, just to change the pace and break through the numbness of boredom
- I have been naturally masochistic all my life and not noticed it. my Barbies were always tortured and kidnapped and made to work as maids, or belittled by the rich girls etc. even in watching fiction, I wanted bad things to happen to the characters I liked
- I love reactions- many of the bully magnet/ weird girl things I did were purely to incite it.
- I refuse to imagine decomposing and decaying- I want to be cremated- maybe because of zombie movies
- I am disgusted by pregnancy. I like children- other people’s. but I refuse to have my own. the only con of this in my opinion is not having someone in the story to put such importance on you as their mother or talk care of you in your age. I find it sexist that a woman must be brought down and burdened with a child/ pregnancy even if she decides on abortion- she still has to deal with it somehow, while the man can just walk away. I am horrified by the idea of becoming that fragile that people would help you sit down, or carry things or touch your stomach, I never want to be in a state where I will be dismissed as too emotional or to delicate to hear things, and have the truth kept from me. movies like the beginning of the orphan and rosemary’s baby convince me of the horror. to have all these strange things, happen to you and people touching you and whispering things, and falsely reassuring you everything is fine, is just scary. it’s kind of like the adult version of the puberty worries dismissed as normal in ginger snaps. Maybe this stems from my mother’s constant telling us when watching Gilmore girls that if you had a baby at sixteen your life wouldn’t turn out that way, or from the life of my godmother who always seemed so adventurous and glamorous when I was a kid, jetting off all over the world having adventure, and not being tied down (although now I’m seeing that she considers her life kind of sad)
- I want the freedom to travel and spent money on myself and the things I want. I don’t want to finally have my freedom to adventure and have to raise kids, also I’d really screw them up. even when I was a kid and wanted a lot of kids, it was never about raising them, only being able to pick lots of names and buy them stuff out of the kids section of the sears wishbook.
- My breasts, though I do love them, and my periods are useless, in the way they were intended. I like the idea of being on the pill, making me a genetic dead end
- I have a sort-of adopted Nigerian sister, and I am okay with that.
-My concept of voting (that its not okay to vote for yourself) came from The Brave Little Toaster on Mars
- I still consider myself a child, a girl not a woman, and never wish to move beyond it. I always want to stay in awe, and never want to lose my wonder. never! I’d fight for it. my greatest fear is living in the suburbs and thinking about how I always wanted to travel and write a book and how I used to be a great singer, who filled a house with music. I am afraid of being trapped and tied down in the same place day after day, after day. I need to move and change! I am afraid of those people who hate winter because they have to shovel snow or hate fall because they have to rake leaves, or hate summer because there are kids everywhere or hate spring because it rains, and grumble about everything, because they have no wonder or nothing new.
- daria see things quote